Memoirs of a Tasty Beverage

I remember back in 2006 sitting in a movie theater and constantly being shown previews for this new and exciting movie called Babel. I really wanted to see it but for some reason never did. That being said, I was watching Showtime on mute the other day and I look up to the tv and noticed a little boy pulling his pants down. Now, the area he was in looked like it a third world nation, so I just assumed that he was going to take a shit. Imagine my surprise when this boy started doing what looked like he was rubbing one off! Now at first, I just could not believe that there would be anything on television that showed a kid masturbating, even on showtime. So I rewind it just to make sure and to my horror, I was correct. A little boy in some middle eastern country was jacking it to a horse running around. Now, let me establish that I am in no way a prude but this is just ridiculous! I'm sorry but something about a child ruffling his suspect makes me raise my eyebrow in disgust. Luckily there was some sort of noise that made him stop and the whole scene lasted around around 10 seconds but come on. Then I look on the Tivo guide to see what this atrocity was and I must admit that I shocked to see that the movie was Babel. Perhaps the director was trying to capture a sense of realism but honestly a prepubescent boy masturbating really isn't all that uncommon, in fact, it is almost second nature like talking or walking. This scene was just weird and was reminiscent of a pedophiles fantasy film.

Okay, now that is out of the way I would like to steer the conversation in a new direction. Now I was originally going to follow up the big breast rant with a new one about the shaving of a certain area, however, I am going to save that for another day. I also briefly contemplated discussing politics by bring up the recent debates and economic crisis, but quite frankly I am simply tired of hearing about it. That is why tonight's discussion will be on coffee. Yeah, coffee. You know that warm dark beverage that contains one of the last few remaining legalized drugs--caffeine. Caffeine is not under review, however, but more of the current...or past...coffee wars.

Whenever someone mentions coffee, about 75% would immediately think about Starbucks. The little Seattle coffee shop that blew up into a huge empire has ruled the market for quite some time. Recently, for some odd reason, a new trend amongst consumers is iced coffee and cappuccinos. As a result, several fast food places have attempted to capitalize on that by offering the beverages alongside their Big Macs. Of course in that particular example I am referring to McDonalds. Considering how a cup of coffee at Starbucks is like $25, an inexpensive alternative was a breath of fresh air, but seriously, who the fuck do they think they are? You don't just stroll into an already dominated market by knocking the king on his ass. McDonalds has always served coffee and I'm not suggesting otherwise but recently they changed their formula from pubic mites and dick sweat to an actually decent brew. This is very troubling because obviously the craze is too much for Starbucks to handle. So rather than maybe lowering their prices or offering some sort "frequent customer" program, Starbucks take the low road and close down many of their stores with more on the way.

To add injury to insult, several pastry shops are leading the market like the reemerging of Dunkin Donuts, which just disappeared one day...much like Phil Donahue...but nonetheless is a great company (wink). These are dark times for the tasty beverage company and I'm afraid, much like a prisoner with rape, that they may go completely out of business. In my wildest dreams, I imagine a world where there is a big field with rainbows and puppy dogs and everyone is drinking Starbucks. That dream was shattered and the Barista profession is a-threatened. I blame all of this on Maculay Culkin because he is just an asshole.

McDonalds said that I'm Lovin It but I reply that, no I fucking hate it. I hate them and their choad licking whore of a clown mascot. They killed the coffee market and brutally slayed Starbucks. They just couldn't leave things alone because enough is never enough. Those bastards decided start serving ice coffee and then Burger Queef decided to do it too. They have the McRib, McChicken, Egg McMuffdive, McShake...so McFuck them.

Starbucks may be taking its last breath and buddy, if you do decide to go...I will be there giving your eulogy and hopelessly taking my last sip of your tasty beverage, but make mine black because I never went back.

Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...