Memoirs of an Unsolved Mystery

These days it seems like I am getting a lot of different headaches. Of course, I have always been apt to receive migraines but rarely has it been this frequent. I am of the opinion that it is mostly related to stress but that is beside the point because reducing stress would be next to impossible. Therefore, the only thing that can be accomplished is to learn how deal with and/or prevent the pain. Meanwhile, I have since learned, in a very euphoric manner, to just stop giving a shit. There is a correct psychological term associated with this type of coping but I cannot seem to recall that at this time. Basically I have accepted the fact that there is and will continue to be a huge amount of stressors in my life but changed the way I perceive it.
This is a very effective strategy in the sense that the worst possible thing could happen and simply not caring will completely erase all the time and effort spent on the response. Now that is not to say that you will be entirely emotionless but to give the appearance that you give two fucks less is most beneficial.
So here I am sitting and writing a blog with the worst fucking headache I have probably ever had and yet my mind is racing. I have so many things that are currently bringing my piss to a boil and I cannot seem to choose one thing to discuss. I really think that I need to get laid but I digress. The first thing that makes my taint shiver in anger is the fact that some corporate asshole decided that it would be a good idea to remake Unsolved Mysteries. This show was the epitome of a classic childhood memory. The music along with the spooky monotone voice of host, Robert Stack, used to scared the hair out of my nutsack. It kept me up at night and when I finally did fall asleep it gave me horrific nightmares that more than likely shaped my sickass personality that I have today.
Once the show ended it was shown on Lifetime for a while and all was good. They even released some"best of" dvd sets separated into different categories involving ghosts and ufos. These were the best of times because the original music and poorly acted reenactments were still intact. Earlier this year, the syndication on Lifetime expired and HBO bought the rights to remake the show on their manly man network, Spike Tv. Now when I first heard of this atrocity, I was pissed but I decided then and there to give it a try. The idea that James Earl Jones may host it even heightened my hopes. Of course, as most things in my life, that fell through and Dennis Farena was casted.
The show premiered in late afternoon for two hours. Late afternoon? Are they fucking joking? Is Spike Tv trying to beat the five hour block of reruns of Everybody Came on Raymond? So the show sucks and mostly contains the exact same segments that were featured in the original Unsolved Mysteries. So why remake the fucking thing??? The only difference was the fact that some of the segments had updates, another popular thing in the older shows, but again why remake the fucking thing??? If they truly wanted to add updates, have Dennis Farina do that but for Christ's sake keep Robert Stack to introduce and narrate each segment. In fact, the only segment that was new involved the supposed suicide of Kurt Cobain but they did not once suggest that whore wife was the one who did it and actually went of their way to butter her balls to make her appear to be some poor grief-stricken widow. Therefore the whole thing was just pointless.
Oh and the worst part is the fact that they FUCKED WITH THE GODDAMN MUSIC. That is the equivalent of remaking Star Wars or Rocky (which would be a travesty in itself) but to do so without the original score. In the late 90s, CBS attempted to bring back Unsolved Mysteries, which would have been cool but they had two fatal flaws against them. One was they gave Robert Stack a co-host and the other was the fact that they FUCKED WITH THE GODDAMN MUSIC and as a result the show only lasted a few weeks. And the new music is not just bad, it makes you want to vomit your shit and shit your vomit simultaneously. It sounds like Linkin Park and Nickelback's retarded love child composed it. To have the balls to mess with a epic score and replace it with your half-assed idea of what you thought would be hip and appeal to that fucking younger generation, of which have completely ruined many classical horror movies and the genre itself, is just a slap in the face.
But no, I take that back, the worst fucking part of the whole show is the fact that I will continue to watch it. I will watch every piece of shit episode that is made because I loved the original series and hold it dear to my heart and that is the only reason that I acknowledge this scrotumsucking show's existence.
In conclusion, fuck not giving a shit because I really do. I am pissed as a leaky dick and I will not hesitate to show that. The "new" Unsolved Mysteries sucks ass and the only remake I would ever watch is if they dug up Mr. Stacks' corpse and propped him on stool to host. 7os porn is way better than modern porn because it is innovative and not full of bald-twat skanks. I hate the vast majority of drivers on the road because they simply cannot follow the simple rules of the road and I hope they all die in a fucking firey car accident. My tooth hurts like a goatse queefing nerf footballs and there is apparently nothing the money grubbing dentists can do. Lightbulbs don't last long enough. The fucking hotel gives you a little bag with your ice bucket because they're too fucking lazy to sterilize it after you leave and this pisses me off so much so that next time I am going to take a huge shit in that bucket so they are forced to clean it. Art is stupid and is just something that gives stoner kids something to do until they realize that they wasted their life. John Ritter kicks ass and anyone who disagrees should be fucking executed. The word piss even pisses me off because it doesn't convey a strong enough of an emotion that is desired. If country music and nascar were outlawed then inbreeding would drastically decrease because the rednecks would slowly die off. Sex and the City shows the total decline of intelligence in our society and mostly appeals to obese women who wish that they were attractive and desirable. Chicks can be too hot and I think I just had an aneurysm.

Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...