Friday, October 31, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Memoirs of a Less Memorable Sequel
Halloween is only five days away and with that in mind, I think that it is appropriate to address the one common aspect of the holiday that makes it all the more enjoyable. Obviously I am referring to horror movies and lately it seems as though the art has taken quite the nosedive into the abyss. Asian remakes still seem to be the hot thing in the genre, although they have much competition amongst the shitty American remakes. Also, having seen the shit-bomb otherwise known as Saw V,
I feel the need to address one particular series that has been given quite the assfucking.
No I am not talking about Saw because up until now it has been pretty righteous. Unfortunately I am talking about Halloween. The original and its sequel were top notch and still send shivers up my asshole to this day. However, the sequels were less to be desired.
Halloween 4 was campy and fun but was just popcorn-fodder and lacked the seriousness that the previous entries excelled in. They were much like a Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street sequel, in fact that is one of the main reasons that Halloween was brought back in order to compete in the popular slasher genre. The problem that one would expect more out of 'ol Mikey and to not suck balls.
Halloween 5 came out the year after and it certainly shows as it feels very rushed and unplanned. It's like they said, hey...we made a few bucks last year, let's slap together another piece of shit and maybe it will have the same results. Well they were wrong. The movie was just stupid as it was full of weird jokes and some annoying bitch named Tina. There was actually one scene where police show up and it plays clown music. When I first saw that as a kid, I couldn't believe it and thought I was hearing shit.
After that butt-raping, Michael Myers would not appear until on film for another six years when Halloween 6 came out. The movie was actually quite impressive and delved into Michael's past as being branded with the curse of the thorn in some kind of ritual manner. There was an original story that dug a little deeper but was scrapped. It can be purchased as a bootleg known as Halloween 666: The Producer's Cut. It is very good and highly recommended.
Halloween H20 came a few years later as a result of a. the twentieth anniversary and b. the hype surrounding "smart dawson's creek" type horror like Scream. It tried to be trendy but ended up just being a waste of fucking time. It ignored every sequel following part 2 and didn't even take place in Haddonfield, the small Illinois town that the others had been located in. The Halloween franchise is supposed to take place in fucking Anytown and not southern California. Anyway, Jamie Lee Curtis put her big children book career on hold and reprised her character, Laurie Strode from the first two. All in all, it wasn't a bad flick and was certainly superior to cock splitting fuckfest that followed.
Halloween 8, now we are in some deep shit. I honestly do not even know where to begin with this one. It had some fucker from American Pie in it and even Busta Rhymes was gracious enough to lend his hand into this abomination. The story goes that some Internet reality show was taking place in Michael's house and that is enough right there to make one say, what the fuck. Besides all the stupid internet shit, they make Michael look like a pussy. Busta Rhymes even yells at him at one point and he just walks away. He's Michael Fucking Myers, the guy who dresses up in sheets and strangles chicks. He's not some jerkoff who runs away with piss pants from a fucking rapper with a bad attitude. Oh and in the last scene where Busta says trick or treat, muthafucka...that was just classic. Or how about when he opens the body bag and sees Michael, who had just burned up in a fire caused by internet wires (yeah, fucking stupid), and says, you look a little crispy mike...i hope you never rest in peace. Goddamn he sure told him, what a badass, making wisecracks to a dead serial killer. Well Mikey really wasn't dead and springs to life again at the end in the morgue by making some scream that sounded more like he had just got off and it seemed like there would be yet another shitty sequel. And that is the way it was going to go down for the longest time until there were plans for a remake.
But before the remake there were brief plans for a prequel that showed Michael's years in the sanitarium but was scrapped once someone realized how fucking stupid it was. There was even a brief period where having pinhead from Hellraiser fight Michael, ala Freddy vs Jason. Anyway, final plans were for a remake that actually at one time had Paris Hilton in contention to play Laurie Strode...fucking-a, if that would have come to fruition, I would have seriously killed every cockstain associated with the film. But thankfully Mr. Rob Zombie stepped up and made the first decent Halloween film in over 25 years. I was very happy with the remake and hope that the next one will be just as good and not start another vicious fucking cycle of shitty sequels.
Happy Halloween and Remember These Are Merely Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Memoirs of the American Dream
We are all drones. Albeit drones to our jobs, wives, husbands, or a higher power...we all follow the orders of someone else while ignoring our own self-satisfactions. Take a glance at the world around us, the poor old man standing at the door at walmart, who always greets you with a smile. He stands for eight hours with minimal break, just to earn a living so that he can something other than cat food because his social security isn't enough to live on. Do we ever even give him a second thought as we walk past with that blind eye? Of course not, because our lives are much more important than to give a shit about a lonely old man. That may have sounded sarcastic but in reality it's very much true. We all have our own concerns, so much so that we never even think about the dude next to us. Work, family, and money all have us by the balls and there is absolutely nothing that we can do. There are many very talented individuals out there who have the ability to be very successful but will never reach their full potential.
When in grade school, the question that plagues every adolescent is what they want to be when they grow up. What kid in their right fucking mind would say that they want to sit at a cubicle for forty hours a week just to make some big corporation even richer and in addition to that have to deal with over-zealous bastards above you in the food chain? Of course not and the answers range from doctor to president, to which the teacher usually coaxes their dreams by saying they can accomplish anything they set their to...what a bunch of horseshit. But to those kids who do end up in that torture chamber from hell known as the american workplace, who the hell feels sorry for them? Nobody because they made that choice. Well not one single person actually makes a conscious decision to devote their life to some bullshit job that pays just enough to keep the lights on this week. Sure, we are granted full will power and it is not the exact definition of slave labor, although it is close, but then again there are circumstances beyond our control that seem to slap us in such positions. It is almost like we were destined to not accomplish a damn thing in our lives other than reproduce, pay taxes, and become miserable.
Be That As It May...These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
When in grade school, the question that plagues every adolescent is what they want to be when they grow up. What kid in their right fucking mind would say that they want to sit at a cubicle for forty hours a week just to make some big corporation even richer and in addition to that have to deal with over-zealous bastards above you in the food chain? Of course not and the answers range from doctor to president, to which the teacher usually coaxes their dreams by saying they can accomplish anything they set their to...what a bunch of horseshit. But to those kids who do end up in that torture chamber from hell known as the american workplace, who the hell feels sorry for them? Nobody because they made that choice. Well not one single person actually makes a conscious decision to devote their life to some bullshit job that pays just enough to keep the lights on this week. Sure, we are granted full will power and it is not the exact definition of slave labor, although it is close, but then again there are circumstances beyond our control that seem to slap us in such positions. It is almost like we were destined to not accomplish a damn thing in our lives other than reproduce, pay taxes, and become miserable.
Be That As It May...These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
Monday, October 13, 2008
Memoirs of an Unsolved Mystery
These days it seems like I am getting a lot of different headaches. Of course, I have always been apt to receive migraines but rarely has it been this frequent. I am of the opinion that it is mostly related to stress but that is beside the point because reducing stress would be next to impossible. Therefore, the only thing that can be accomplished is to learn how deal with and/or prevent the pain. Meanwhile, I have since learned, in a very euphoric manner, to just stop giving a shit. There is a correct psychological term associated with this type of coping but I cannot seem to recall that at this time. Basically I have accepted the fact that there is and will continue to be a huge amount of stressors in my life but changed the way I perceive it.
This is a very effective strategy in the sense that the worst possible thing could happen and simply not caring will completely erase all the time and effort spent on the response. Now that is not to say that you will be entirely emotionless but to give the appearance that you give two fucks less is most beneficial.
So here I am sitting and writing a blog with the worst fucking headache I have probably ever had and yet my mind is racing. I have so many things that are currently bringing my piss to a boil and I cannot seem to choose one thing to discuss. I really think that I need to get laid but I digress. The first thing that makes my taint shiver in anger is the fact that some corporate asshole decided that it would be a good idea to remake Unsolved Mysteries. This show was the epitome of a classic childhood memory. The music along with the spooky monotone voice of host, Robert Stack, used to scared the hair out of my nutsack. It kept me up at night and when I finally did fall asleep it gave me horrific nightmares that more than likely shaped my sickass personality that I have today.
Once the show ended it was shown on Lifetime for a while and all was good. They even released some"best of" dvd sets separated into different categories involving ghosts and ufos. These were the best of times because the original music and poorly acted reenactments were still intact. Earlier this year, the syndication on Lifetime expired and HBO bought the rights to remake the show on their manly man network, Spike Tv. Now when I first heard of this atrocity, I was pissed but I decided then and there to give it a try. The idea that James Earl Jones may host it even heightened my hopes. Of course, as most things in my life, that fell through and Dennis Farena was casted.
The show premiered in late afternoon for two hours. Late afternoon? Are they fucking joking? Is Spike Tv trying to beat the five hour block of reruns of Everybody Came on Raymond? So the show sucks and mostly contains the exact same segments that were featured in the original Unsolved Mysteries. So why remake the fucking thing??? The only difference was the fact that some of the segments had updates, another popular thing in the older shows, but again why remake the fucking thing??? If they truly wanted to add updates, have Dennis Farina do that but for Christ's sake keep Robert Stack to introduce and narrate each segment. In fact, the only segment that was new involved the supposed suicide of Kurt Cobain but they did not once suggest that whore wife was the one who did it and actually went of their way to butter her balls to make her appear to be some poor grief-stricken widow. Therefore the whole thing was just pointless.
Oh and the worst part is the fact that they FUCKED WITH THE GODDAMN MUSIC. That is the equivalent of remaking Star Wars or Rocky (which would be a travesty in itself) but to do so without the original score. In the late 90s, CBS attempted to bring back Unsolved Mysteries, which would have been cool but they had two fatal flaws against them. One was they gave Robert Stack a co-host and the other was the fact that they FUCKED WITH THE GODDAMN MUSIC and as a result the show only lasted a few weeks. And the new music is not just bad, it makes you want to vomit your shit and shit your vomit simultaneously. It sounds like Linkin Park and Nickelback's retarded love child composed it. To have the balls to mess with a epic score and replace it with your half-assed idea of what you thought would be hip and appeal to that fucking younger generation, of which have completely ruined many classical horror movies and the genre itself, is just a slap in the face.
But no, I take that back, the worst fucking part of the whole show is the fact that I will continue to watch it. I will watch every piece of shit episode that is made because I loved the original series and hold it dear to my heart and that is the only reason that I acknowledge this scrotumsucking show's existence.
In conclusion, fuck not giving a shit because I really do. I am pissed as a leaky dick and I will not hesitate to show that. The "new" Unsolved Mysteries sucks ass and the only remake I would ever watch is if they dug up Mr. Stacks' corpse and propped him on stool to host. 7os porn is way better than modern porn because it is innovative and not full of bald-twat skanks. I hate the vast majority of drivers on the road because they simply cannot follow the simple rules of the road and I hope they all die in a fucking firey car accident. My tooth hurts like a goatse queefing nerf footballs and there is apparently nothing the money grubbing dentists can do. Lightbulbs don't last long enough. The fucking hotel gives you a little bag with your ice bucket because they're too fucking lazy to sterilize it after you leave and this pisses me off so much so that next time I am going to take a huge shit in that bucket so they are forced to clean it. Art is stupid and is just something that gives stoner kids something to do until they realize that they wasted their life. John Ritter kicks ass and anyone who disagrees should be fucking executed. The word piss even pisses me off because it doesn't convey a strong enough of an emotion that is desired. If country music and nascar were outlawed then inbreeding would drastically decrease because the rednecks would slowly die off. Sex and the City shows the total decline of intelligence in our society and mostly appeals to obese women who wish that they were attractive and desirable. Chicks can be too hot and I think I just had an aneurysm.
Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
This is a very effective strategy in the sense that the worst possible thing could happen and simply not caring will completely erase all the time and effort spent on the response. Now that is not to say that you will be entirely emotionless but to give the appearance that you give two fucks less is most beneficial.
So here I am sitting and writing a blog with the worst fucking headache I have probably ever had and yet my mind is racing. I have so many things that are currently bringing my piss to a boil and I cannot seem to choose one thing to discuss. I really think that I need to get laid but I digress. The first thing that makes my taint shiver in anger is the fact that some corporate asshole decided that it would be a good idea to remake Unsolved Mysteries. This show was the epitome of a classic childhood memory. The music along with the spooky monotone voice of host, Robert Stack, used to scared the hair out of my nutsack. It kept me up at night and when I finally did fall asleep it gave me horrific nightmares that more than likely shaped my sickass personality that I have today.
Once the show ended it was shown on Lifetime for a while and all was good. They even released some"best of" dvd sets separated into different categories involving ghosts and ufos. These were the best of times because the original music and poorly acted reenactments were still intact. Earlier this year, the syndication on Lifetime expired and HBO bought the rights to remake the show on their manly man network, Spike Tv. Now when I first heard of this atrocity, I was pissed but I decided then and there to give it a try. The idea that James Earl Jones may host it even heightened my hopes. Of course, as most things in my life, that fell through and Dennis Farena was casted.
The show premiered in late afternoon for two hours. Late afternoon? Are they fucking joking? Is Spike Tv trying to beat the five hour block of reruns of Everybody Came on Raymond? So the show sucks and mostly contains the exact same segments that were featured in the original Unsolved Mysteries. So why remake the fucking thing??? The only difference was the fact that some of the segments had updates, another popular thing in the older shows, but again why remake the fucking thing??? If they truly wanted to add updates, have Dennis Farina do that but for Christ's sake keep Robert Stack to introduce and narrate each segment. In fact, the only segment that was new involved the supposed suicide of Kurt Cobain but they did not once suggest that whore wife was the one who did it and actually went of their way to butter her balls to make her appear to be some poor grief-stricken widow. Therefore the whole thing was just pointless.
Oh and the worst part is the fact that they FUCKED WITH THE GODDAMN MUSIC. That is the equivalent of remaking Star Wars or Rocky (which would be a travesty in itself) but to do so without the original score. In the late 90s, CBS attempted to bring back Unsolved Mysteries, which would have been cool but they had two fatal flaws against them. One was they gave Robert Stack a co-host and the other was the fact that they FUCKED WITH THE GODDAMN MUSIC and as a result the show only lasted a few weeks. And the new music is not just bad, it makes you want to vomit your shit and shit your vomit simultaneously. It sounds like Linkin Park and Nickelback's retarded love child composed it. To have the balls to mess with a epic score and replace it with your half-assed idea of what you thought would be hip and appeal to that fucking younger generation, of which have completely ruined many classical horror movies and the genre itself, is just a slap in the face.
But no, I take that back, the worst fucking part of the whole show is the fact that I will continue to watch it. I will watch every piece of shit episode that is made because I loved the original series and hold it dear to my heart and that is the only reason that I acknowledge this scrotumsucking show's existence.
In conclusion, fuck not giving a shit because I really do. I am pissed as a leaky dick and I will not hesitate to show that. The "new" Unsolved Mysteries sucks ass and the only remake I would ever watch is if they dug up Mr. Stacks' corpse and propped him on stool to host. 7os porn is way better than modern porn because it is innovative and not full of bald-twat skanks. I hate the vast majority of drivers on the road because they simply cannot follow the simple rules of the road and I hope they all die in a fucking firey car accident. My tooth hurts like a goatse queefing nerf footballs and there is apparently nothing the money grubbing dentists can do. Lightbulbs don't last long enough. The fucking hotel gives you a little bag with your ice bucket because they're too fucking lazy to sterilize it after you leave and this pisses me off so much so that next time I am going to take a huge shit in that bucket so they are forced to clean it. Art is stupid and is just something that gives stoner kids something to do until they realize that they wasted their life. John Ritter kicks ass and anyone who disagrees should be fucking executed. The word piss even pisses me off because it doesn't convey a strong enough of an emotion that is desired. If country music and nascar were outlawed then inbreeding would drastically decrease because the rednecks would slowly die off. Sex and the City shows the total decline of intelligence in our society and mostly appeals to obese women who wish that they were attractive and desirable. Chicks can be too hot and I think I just had an aneurysm.
Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Memoirs of a Designated Dumbass
We live in the 21st century, where technology is vital to everyday life and more superior than ever before. Machines increase productivity in businesses and are the ideal employee. They save lives as well as end them. This is truly the age of Skynet, yet for some FUCKING reason they don't work when you want them to! Case and point, about a week ago I was excited to hear that new episodes of South Park would begin soon. I completely forgot about it until tonight and was depressed to discover that I had missed it, however that excitement was quickly renewed once I realized that my Tivo should have recorded it. Of course, one can probably guess the outcome of this fun little story because the damn DVR didn't record the show. Even though it should have because I have a season pass for new episodes. Well the reason I gathered on why the episode was absent from my "Now Playing" list was because on the guide, the episode was not dated so Tivo must have thought that it was not new. So needless to say, I missed the episode but it was more that happy to record an rerun of Miami Vice on a goddamn station that I don't even get. Bravo Tivo, you fucking douche bag! Now of course I understand that it's just an episode of South Park that will more than likely be replayed a thousand times of the course of the next week. Also, 20 years ago if some missed a new episode of Dynasty, then they were screwed. On the same token, 10 years ago if someone forgot to set their VCR then they missed Party of Five, so I should be grateful to have such a luxury. However, that is the fucking point. Tivo and any other DVR is a luxury that one pays for and therefore such a luxury should be fulfilled. Fuck you, Tivo!
Moving on to the main subject is an issue that I have been conflicted with recently. I am part Irish and as a result have alcohol in my veins. I love the taste and the relaxed feeling that it provides. Albeit beer, whiskey, vodka, wine, or some sort of malt beverage. The problem is that it is been a while since I have sampled any of the Divine beverages and it feels as if I have been disconnected with a very close and dear friend. In my "younger" year, and of course I use that term very loosely given my age, but I was able to drink with the best of them. I rarely got sick and never have had a hangover (thanks to my late buddy Jim, who suggested to me to take one Aleve before you begin drinking).
Most of my experiences were happy times with friends, however there were other not so happy times. That dark chapter of my life has been permanently sealed however it has to deal with a rather harsh and difficult breakup. During that summer of drunkenness, I actually went through three garbage bags full of bottles of cheap vodka (yes, I kept the bottles to keep track) and drank about a gallon every two days. Something about resorting to alcoholism because of some bitch might not be the best approach. In fact, I was even sickened by the thought of me sitting in a stupor listening to our favorite songs with a spilled shot glass in front of me. That being said, I must admit that the alcohol was not just a dependent but rather a good friend that held my hand through the pain and turmoil. Now I will briefly state, in avoidance to not look like such a whiny, emo asshole, that it was indeed a very hard breakup given the circumstance, of which is a memoir for another day.
Night turned into day and I soon put the past behind me and accepted the fact that the relationship was over and so I gave the bottle a much needed rest. I still drank socially and in excess on special occasions but all was still in a healthy moderation. As time wore on and more responsibilities emerged, the amount of alcohol I ingested became less and less. Now it seems as if I haven't drank in months. I have been offered beverages and declined but it's as though I now go out of my not to drink. I actually concoct plans to get together with some friends and just drink into oblivion but in the end always change my mind.
I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post was, of course I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog is, but the topic was a suggestion by a friend. Perhaps I just need to get cock-slapped drunk and align the planets in my universe.
Be That As It May...These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress
Moving on to the main subject is an issue that I have been conflicted with recently. I am part Irish and as a result have alcohol in my veins. I love the taste and the relaxed feeling that it provides. Albeit beer, whiskey, vodka, wine, or some sort of malt beverage. The problem is that it is been a while since I have sampled any of the Divine beverages and it feels as if I have been disconnected with a very close and dear friend. In my "younger" year, and of course I use that term very loosely given my age, but I was able to drink with the best of them. I rarely got sick and never have had a hangover (thanks to my late buddy Jim, who suggested to me to take one Aleve before you begin drinking).
Most of my experiences were happy times with friends, however there were other not so happy times. That dark chapter of my life has been permanently sealed however it has to deal with a rather harsh and difficult breakup. During that summer of drunkenness, I actually went through three garbage bags full of bottles of cheap vodka (yes, I kept the bottles to keep track) and drank about a gallon every two days. Something about resorting to alcoholism because of some bitch might not be the best approach. In fact, I was even sickened by the thought of me sitting in a stupor listening to our favorite songs with a spilled shot glass in front of me. That being said, I must admit that the alcohol was not just a dependent but rather a good friend that held my hand through the pain and turmoil. Now I will briefly state, in avoidance to not look like such a whiny, emo asshole, that it was indeed a very hard breakup given the circumstance, of which is a memoir for another day.
Night turned into day and I soon put the past behind me and accepted the fact that the relationship was over and so I gave the bottle a much needed rest. I still drank socially and in excess on special occasions but all was still in a healthy moderation. As time wore on and more responsibilities emerged, the amount of alcohol I ingested became less and less. Now it seems as if I haven't drank in months. I have been offered beverages and declined but it's as though I now go out of my not to drink. I actually concoct plans to get together with some friends and just drink into oblivion but in the end always change my mind.
I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post was, of course I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog is, but the topic was a suggestion by a friend. Perhaps I just need to get cock-slapped drunk and align the planets in my universe.
Be That As It May...These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Memoirs of a Tasty Beverage
I remember back in 2006 sitting in a movie theater and constantly being shown previews for this new and exciting movie called Babel. I really wanted to see it but for some reason never did. That being said, I was watching Showtime on mute the other day and I look up to the tv and noticed a little boy pulling his pants down. Now, the area he was in looked like it a third world nation, so I just assumed that he was going to take a shit. Imagine my surprise when this boy started doing what looked like he was rubbing one off! Now at first, I just could not believe that there would be anything on television that showed a kid masturbating, even on showtime. So I rewind it just to make sure and to my horror, I was correct. A little boy in some middle eastern country was jacking it to a horse running around. Now, let me establish that I am in no way a prude but this is just ridiculous! I'm sorry but something about a child ruffling his suspect makes me raise my eyebrow in disgust. Luckily there was some sort of noise that made him stop and the whole scene lasted around around 10 seconds but come on. Then I look on the Tivo guide to see what this atrocity was and I must admit that I shocked to see that the movie was Babel. Perhaps the director was trying to capture a sense of realism but honestly a prepubescent boy masturbating really isn't all that uncommon, in fact, it is almost second nature like talking or walking. This scene was just weird and was reminiscent of a pedophiles fantasy film.
Okay, now that is out of the way I would like to steer the conversation in a new direction. Now I was originally going to follow up the big breast rant with a new one about the shaving of a certain area, however, I am going to save that for another day. I also briefly contemplated discussing politics by bring up the recent debates and economic crisis, but quite frankly I am simply tired of hearing about it. That is why tonight's discussion will be on coffee. Yeah, coffee. You know that warm dark beverage that contains one of the last few remaining legalized drugs--caffeine. Caffeine is not under review, however, but more of the current...or past...coffee wars.
Whenever someone mentions coffee, about 75% would immediately think about Starbucks. The little Seattle coffee shop that blew up into a huge empire has ruled the market for quite some time. Recently, for some odd reason, a new trend amongst consumers is iced coffee and cappuccinos. As a result, several fast food places have attempted to capitalize on that by offering the beverages alongside their Big Macs. Of course in that particular example I am referring to McDonalds. Considering how a cup of coffee at Starbucks is like $25, an inexpensive alternative was a breath of fresh air, but seriously, who the fuck do they think they are? You don't just stroll into an already dominated market by knocking the king on his ass. McDonalds has always served coffee and I'm not suggesting otherwise but recently they changed their formula from pubic mites and dick sweat to an actually decent brew. This is very troubling because obviously the craze is too much for Starbucks to handle. So rather than maybe lowering their prices or offering some sort "frequent customer" program, Starbucks take the low road and close down many of their stores with more on the way.
To add injury to insult, several pastry shops are leading the market like the reemerging of Dunkin Donuts, which just disappeared one day...much like Phil Donahue...but nonetheless is a great company (wink). These are dark times for the tasty beverage company and I'm afraid, much like a prisoner with rape, that they may go completely out of business. In my wildest dreams, I imagine a world where there is a big field with rainbows and puppy dogs and everyone is drinking Starbucks. That dream was shattered and the Barista profession is a-threatened. I blame all of this on Maculay Culkin because he is just an asshole.
McDonalds said that I'm Lovin It but I reply that, no I fucking hate it. I hate them and their choad licking whore of a clown mascot. They killed the coffee market and brutally slayed Starbucks. They just couldn't leave things alone because enough is never enough. Those bastards decided start serving ice coffee and then Burger Queef decided to do it too. They have the McRib, McChicken, Egg McMuffdive, McShake...so McFuck them.
Starbucks may be taking its last breath and buddy, if you do decide to go...I will be there giving your eulogy and hopelessly taking my last sip of your tasty beverage, but make mine black because I never went back.
Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
Okay, now that is out of the way I would like to steer the conversation in a new direction. Now I was originally going to follow up the big breast rant with a new one about the shaving of a certain area, however, I am going to save that for another day. I also briefly contemplated discussing politics by bring up the recent debates and economic crisis, but quite frankly I am simply tired of hearing about it. That is why tonight's discussion will be on coffee. Yeah, coffee. You know that warm dark beverage that contains one of the last few remaining legalized drugs--caffeine. Caffeine is not under review, however, but more of the current...or past...coffee wars.
Whenever someone mentions coffee, about 75% would immediately think about Starbucks. The little Seattle coffee shop that blew up into a huge empire has ruled the market for quite some time. Recently, for some odd reason, a new trend amongst consumers is iced coffee and cappuccinos. As a result, several fast food places have attempted to capitalize on that by offering the beverages alongside their Big Macs. Of course in that particular example I am referring to McDonalds. Considering how a cup of coffee at Starbucks is like $25, an inexpensive alternative was a breath of fresh air, but seriously, who the fuck do they think they are? You don't just stroll into an already dominated market by knocking the king on his ass. McDonalds has always served coffee and I'm not suggesting otherwise but recently they changed their formula from pubic mites and dick sweat to an actually decent brew. This is very troubling because obviously the craze is too much for Starbucks to handle. So rather than maybe lowering their prices or offering some sort "frequent customer" program, Starbucks take the low road and close down many of their stores with more on the way.
To add injury to insult, several pastry shops are leading the market like the reemerging of Dunkin Donuts, which just disappeared one day...much like Phil Donahue...but nonetheless is a great company (wink). These are dark times for the tasty beverage company and I'm afraid, much like a prisoner with rape, that they may go completely out of business. In my wildest dreams, I imagine a world where there is a big field with rainbows and puppy dogs and everyone is drinking Starbucks. That dream was shattered and the Barista profession is a-threatened. I blame all of this on Maculay Culkin because he is just an asshole.
McDonalds said that I'm Lovin It but I reply that, no I fucking hate it. I hate them and their choad licking whore of a clown mascot. They killed the coffee market and brutally slayed Starbucks. They just couldn't leave things alone because enough is never enough. Those bastards decided start serving ice coffee and then Burger Queef decided to do it too. They have the McRib, McChicken, Egg McMuffdive, McShake...so McFuck them.
Starbucks may be taking its last breath and buddy, if you do decide to go...I will be there giving your eulogy and hopelessly taking my last sip of your tasty beverage, but make mine black because I never went back.
Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Memoirs of Me On Top of a Snowy Hill Called Life
The internet exploded in my lifetime and, despite my youth, I have never been one to embrace it. One those damning qualities that made me nauseous and let out a sigh of despair would have to be blogging. I have had many ask me to read their blog and I although I would politely tell them I would check it out, in reality I wondered, 'who in the hell in their right mind would would want to waste their time reading some asshole's own personal thoughts and opinions?' Now here I am, just another asshole with his own personal thoughts and opinions and so who cares? Well, that's just the idea, isn't it? I have nothing new or earth shattering to add to the mix and most, if not everyone, will find this just as repetitive and boring as the next. Now this may not be the best way to try and trick readers into partaking in my irate and perverse mind, however it does show a sense of honesty on my part.
There is not exact or precise format for this blog other than to just give me a means to vent and discuss my daily life, of which is far more intriguing than I would like it be. I am a very simple person who is just trying to satisfy my simple needs, but as with everyone else there are many roadblocks that try to steer you away from achieving your destination.
Have you ever been to a job interview and they ask that stupid-ass question, if you were to describe myself using words what would they be? Normally I have a hard time answering because I know what they want to hear, hard-working, ambitious, goal-oriented. The trouble is that I cannot be truthful with this question, so here is my opportunity to answer the question appropriately...Bastard, Dick, Arrogant, Addict, Writer, Student, Teacher, Son, Friend, Enemy, Brother, Uncle, Ex-Boyfriend x4, Lover, Hater, Peaceful, Violent, Desperate, Hopeless, Perverted, Horny, Celibate, Prude. There are more but the gist is self-explanatory, although it would be awesome to be able to be that honest during the interview. Other than that, here is a little backstory. ..
My name is Tim Duncan but my alias on here is Dick Sanford, which is my would-be porn star name. I am 22 years old and will readily admit that I am by all means not the master of the universe with advance knowledge on all subjects. I attend school at IUPUI or Indiana University-Purdue University of Indianapolis for long. My intent is graduate with a BS in Psychology and declare myself pre-med for an eventual and hopeful medical degree in psychiatry. Needless to say I am on the first step of a long stairway to self-actualization.
I have five brothers varying in ages from 42 to 30 and one estranged sister. My mother is and always has been a huge influence in my life. My father has been deceased for over 8 years, however prior to was severely brain damaged for years following a massive stroke. My mother remarried when I was 11 and we moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where my step-father met and then moved back home Indy once he retired. I have a small group of friends, one lives here and has a wife and son, while the other lives in California in the Marines. Nearly two years ago, I buried a buddy who died in Iraq. I have been involved in a few relationships that resulted in a shit-storm along with several rusty nails up my ass and pounds of salt in my already gaping wounds. To clarify, I was involved with several females, all of whom fucked me over. Because of this, I really do not believe in love or the one-on-one relationship in general although I am not completely opposed to learn how to believe again....given the right circumstances.
That is really enough for now, I may drop some subtle fun facts about myself in the future.
Now onto the main event...Big Breasts. I don't really have too much to say about this subject but I at least wanted to throw something into this first post other than mindless rants about myself. I digress, what is this fascination with big breasts? I may be a few years too slow but then again I am new to blogging. I love tits, as most heterosexual guys do, however the size doesn't bother me too much. I am not opposed to big breasts but it is not really something I look for in a female. In fact, fun story, I dated a girl with huge breasts and she met my brother, who told me afterward how busty she was and I never really even noticed. That being said, I will say that I would prefer if the chick was kind of chesty and not completely flat-chested, so much so that she is reminiscent of an adolescent boy. Now, I am probably the most perverse and sick-minded bastard that anyone will ever meet and I am saying now that the size of tits doesn't sway me in any way other than straight up. ;-)
Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
There is not exact or precise format for this blog other than to just give me a means to vent and discuss my daily life, of which is far more intriguing than I would like it be. I am a very simple person who is just trying to satisfy my simple needs, but as with everyone else there are many roadblocks that try to steer you away from achieving your destination.
Have you ever been to a job interview and they ask that stupid-ass question, if you were to describe myself using words what would they be? Normally I have a hard time answering because I know what they want to hear, hard-working, ambitious, goal-oriented. The trouble is that I cannot be truthful with this question, so here is my opportunity to answer the question appropriately...Bastard, Dick, Arrogant, Addict, Writer, Student, Teacher, Son, Friend, Enemy, Brother, Uncle, Ex-Boyfriend x4, Lover, Hater, Peaceful, Violent, Desperate, Hopeless, Perverted, Horny, Celibate, Prude. There are more but the gist is self-explanatory, although it would be awesome to be able to be that honest during the interview. Other than that, here is a little backstory. ..
My name is Tim Duncan but my alias on here is Dick Sanford, which is my would-be porn star name. I am 22 years old and will readily admit that I am by all means not the master of the universe with advance knowledge on all subjects. I attend school at IUPUI or Indiana University-Purdue University of Indianapolis for long. My intent is graduate with a BS in Psychology and declare myself pre-med for an eventual and hopeful medical degree in psychiatry. Needless to say I am on the first step of a long stairway to self-actualization.
I have five brothers varying in ages from 42 to 30 and one estranged sister. My mother is and always has been a huge influence in my life. My father has been deceased for over 8 years, however prior to was severely brain damaged for years following a massive stroke. My mother remarried when I was 11 and we moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where my step-father met and then moved back home Indy once he retired. I have a small group of friends, one lives here and has a wife and son, while the other lives in California in the Marines. Nearly two years ago, I buried a buddy who died in Iraq. I have been involved in a few relationships that resulted in a shit-storm along with several rusty nails up my ass and pounds of salt in my already gaping wounds. To clarify, I was involved with several females, all of whom fucked me over. Because of this, I really do not believe in love or the one-on-one relationship in general although I am not completely opposed to learn how to believe again....given the right circumstances.
That is really enough for now, I may drop some subtle fun facts about myself in the future.
Now onto the main event...Big Breasts. I don't really have too much to say about this subject but I at least wanted to throw something into this first post other than mindless rants about myself. I digress, what is this fascination with big breasts? I may be a few years too slow but then again I am new to blogging. I love tits, as most heterosexual guys do, however the size doesn't bother me too much. I am not opposed to big breasts but it is not really something I look for in a female. In fact, fun story, I dated a girl with huge breasts and she met my brother, who told me afterward how busty she was and I never really even noticed. That being said, I will say that I would prefer if the chick was kind of chesty and not completely flat-chested, so much so that she is reminiscent of an adolescent boy. Now, I am probably the most perverse and sick-minded bastard that anyone will ever meet and I am saying now that the size of tits doesn't sway me in any way other than straight up. ;-)
Be That As It May, These Are Simply Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
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