Halloween is only five days away and with that in mind, I think that it is appropriate to address the one common aspect of the holiday that makes it all the more enjoyable. Obviously I am referring to horror movies and lately it seems as though the art has taken quite the nosedive into the abyss. Asian remakes still seem to be the hot thing in the genre, although they have much competition amongst the shitty American remakes. Also, having seen the shit-bomb otherwise known as Saw V,
I feel the need to address one particular series that has been given quite the assfucking.
No I am not talking about Saw because up until now it has been pretty righteous. Unfortunately I am talking about Halloween. The original and its sequel were top notch and still send shivers up my asshole to this day. However, the sequels were less to be desired.
Halloween 4 was campy and fun but was just popcorn-fodder and lacked the seriousness that the previous entries excelled in. They were much like a Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street sequel, in fact that is one of the main reasons that Halloween was brought back in order to compete in the popular slasher genre. The problem that one would expect more out of 'ol Mikey and to not suck balls.
Halloween 5 came out the year after and it certainly shows as it feels very rushed and unplanned. It's like they said, hey...we made a few bucks last year, let's slap together another piece of shit and maybe it will have the same results. Well they were wrong. The movie was just stupid as it was full of weird jokes and some annoying bitch named Tina. There was actually one scene where police show up and it plays clown music. When I first saw that as a kid, I couldn't believe it and thought I was hearing shit.
After that butt-raping, Michael Myers would not appear until on film for another six years when Halloween 6 came out. The movie was actually quite impressive and delved into Michael's past as being branded with the curse of the thorn in some kind of ritual manner. There was an original story that dug a little deeper but was scrapped. It can be purchased as a bootleg known as Halloween 666: The Producer's Cut. It is very good and highly recommended.
Halloween H20 came a few years later as a result of a. the twentieth anniversary and b. the hype surrounding "smart dawson's creek" type horror like Scream. It tried to be trendy but ended up just being a waste of fucking time. It ignored every sequel following part 2 and didn't even take place in Haddonfield, the small Illinois town that the others had been located in. The Halloween franchise is supposed to take place in fucking Anytown and not southern California. Anyway, Jamie Lee Curtis put her big children book career on hold and reprised her character, Laurie Strode from the first two. All in all, it wasn't a bad flick and was certainly superior to cock splitting fuckfest that followed.
Halloween 8, now we are in some deep shit. I honestly do not even know where to begin with this one. It had some fucker from American Pie in it and even Busta Rhymes was gracious enough to lend his hand into this abomination. The story goes that some Internet reality show was taking place in Michael's house and that is enough right there to make one say, what the fuck. Besides all the stupid internet shit, they make Michael look like a pussy. Busta Rhymes even yells at him at one point and he just walks away. He's Michael Fucking Myers, the guy who dresses up in sheets and strangles chicks. He's not some jerkoff who runs away with piss pants from a fucking rapper with a bad attitude. Oh and in the last scene where Busta says trick or treat, muthafucka...that was just classic. Or how about when he opens the body bag and sees Michael, who had just burned up in a fire caused by internet wires (yeah, fucking stupid), and says, you look a little crispy mike...i hope you never rest in peace. Goddamn he sure told him, what a badass, making wisecracks to a dead serial killer. Well Mikey really wasn't dead and springs to life again at the end in the morgue by making some scream that sounded more like he had just got off and it seemed like there would be yet another shitty sequel. And that is the way it was going to go down for the longest time until there were plans for a remake.
But before the remake there were brief plans for a prequel that showed Michael's years in the sanitarium but was scrapped once someone realized how fucking stupid it was. There was even a brief period where having pinhead from Hellraiser fight Michael, ala Freddy vs Jason. Anyway, final plans were for a remake that actually at one time had Paris Hilton in contention to play Laurie Strode...fucking-a, if that would have come to fruition, I would have seriously killed every cockstain associated with the film. But thankfully Mr. Rob Zombie stepped up and made the first decent Halloween film in over 25 years. I was very happy with the remake and hope that the next one will be just as good and not start another vicious fucking cycle of shitty sequels.
Happy Halloween and Remember These Are Merely Memoirs of a Work in Progress...
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