Memoirs of the Light at the End of the Tunnel

My mind is racing and my throat hurts like I just swallowed a bucket of rusty nails. I have a shitload of assignments and studying to finish but I just cannot seem to get the courage to do so. I really don't even know what to say other than I just wish that it would all stop. Imagine an emotion that combines rage, sadness and indifference...it feels like you're on a fucking merry-go-round. Now add to that a constant fear or foreboding, if you will, and add elements of incredible and pathetic loneliness. Then after you have mixed all the ingredients to this shit flavored recipe for self-hatred, you feel as if the only way out is through the bottom of a whiskey stained shot glass. Of course, knowing fully well that you have once gone down this path and it is grim, but what other options do you have? The temptation is so severe sometimes that you just cannot stand it, just one sip to dull the pain. You look in the mirror and cannot seem recognize yourself in the reflection. So you try to fake it and even though it hurts like hell, it is easy to succeed. You slap a half-witted smile onto that grotesque mug and sigh as you tell yourself that everything will eventually work itself out, however there is only so much optimism left. You can feel it growing inside you like some sort of cancer, eating away at every last fiber inside that still qualifies you as human. You try to look away and in some cases you may be able to move onward but just when you think that it's all in the past, it comes back just to slap you in the fucking face.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Nothing will ever change because you just aren't good enough. You may have the brains but you lack in everything else. So you attempt to forget and move forward even though you know the result will not be in your favor. At one point, you may even actually believe that you have a chance to change the result but unfortunately such is not the case. Again, who the fuck do you think you are?

Your dreams are in fact horrific and vivid nightmares carved out of your own sad reality. You lie to yourself as you think that your day will come and all this will be a distant memory as you rest in real and uninhibited happiness. But that's just it, it is merely a lie designed to motivate yourself to wake up each day. However, for the time being, that is all you have...that and the hope that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

Be That As It May, These Are Merely Memoirs of a Work in Progress...